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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29033787">who dares to love forever</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_On_My_Own/pseuds/Living_On_My_Own'>Living_On_My_Own</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Queen (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Miscommunication, and I always write happy endings..., but Jim is there to protect and love him, freddie really is too much in his head, it’s more a lack of communication than miscommunication</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 04:34:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,935</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29033787</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_On_My_Own/pseuds/Living_On_My_Own</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim started holding him like he dreamed all those nights, he kissed him like he always wanted, he looked at him like he was the only person in the whole world. He made Freddie feel like he was the best Jim could ever have. </p><p>Jim loves him, he does. Does he?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jim Hutton/Freddie Mercury</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>JimercuryWeek2021</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>who dares to love forever</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>It’s not actually even the day I’m supposed to post this for me, but I assumed for some people it’s already the 28th soooo... and I was also feeling super depressed and I knew this would cheer me up a bit sooo... Anyway! Thank you soooo much to @immistermercury for the beta read and for being encouraging during the process of this!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Jim is the only one he wants. He’s the one he’s waited for for so long, the lover he wished for during long nights, staying awake, either alone or with a body curled up away from him. He dreamed of sweet kisses, unconditional love, of not having to change himself, to lose some of his personality, to add to his personality. He dreamed of a man, putting their hands on him like he’s precious, making love to him, not fucking, making love to him in a warm bed, with warm touches, two warm hearts. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s been dreaming of this all his life, even in his uncomfortable bunk bed, in a big room, surrounded by friends that were never his friends, he dreamed of big hands handling him softly, holding him tightly. At that time, he thought he only wanted to fill the lack of contact with his father, that’s what he thought when his knees were in the dirt, when he let big hands touch him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He dreamed of this when Mary was waiting for him in bed, when she put his hair behind his ear. Her hands were soft, but too frail, too delicate. He dreamed of this when she was under him, softly gasping at every touch, when he wished someone could touch him like he touched her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He dreamed of this when he was with David, with Bill, with Winnie. He finally felt like he was in the right place when he smelt cologne instead of floral perfume. But it still felt wrong, the hands were never the right size, the right amount of love, there was never enough and he kept telling himself he must be the one being difficult, because surely, he never deserved the amount of love he wanted? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then there was Jim. When he met him, when he looked at him for the first time, Freddie felt like he was discovering something he’d never felt. He laid awake at night, no longer trying to imagine what the right person would look like, instead he tried to imagine what Jim’s warmth would feel like, what it would feel like to be held by him, to be told he was loved by him. And only after he’d been told to fuck off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They met again, and it wasn’t much again. But during all those months Freddie spent without seeing Jim, he imagined him, what it would be like to sleep beside him, to kiss him. It took Freddie a while to even dare to call the number on the small piece of paper. He wished he wasn’t a rockstar at that moment, that he was just an ordinary man without all the parties and shopping, without the flamboyance and the bad reputation, without the fans and the press. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim started holding him like he dreamed all those nights, he kissed him like he always wanted, he looked at him like he was the only person in the whole world. He made Freddie feel like he was the best Jim could ever have. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It felt overwhelming, it still does and Freddie has to look at Jim for a few moments some nights, to register, to realise that it no longer is a dream, that Jim is there and will be the next morning, as long as Jim wants to stay. And often Freddie wonders if this is what he wants. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t think this is what Jim will want forever, because who he is always ruined things in the end. Because he always made people go away, even if he fell to his knees, begging for forgiveness, or at least he wished he did when he thought back to those last conversations: he wished he fell to his knees, because maybe it would have made them stay.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim doesn’t want him. Of course he doesn’t want him. This is always the case and Freddie feels so foolish for thinking that he had found someone that loved him unconditionally, but there’s always something wrong with him, isn’t there? He doesn’t know what it is this time, maybe he would know if he dared to listen to Jim’s words for longer. He couldn’t, his heart stopped at the </span>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t want Freddie to be my boyfriend anymore”</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He wishes he could have worked harder, just to not let it happen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But now it’s happening, and it feels worse than what Freddie expected it would feel. He’s used to this. He’s used to sweet smiles turning into frowns, into angry glares. He’s used to warm comforting hands turning into cold hands that sting his skin. He’s used to love turning into hate, frustration, anger. But he’s not used to Jim not loving him. It’s been months now, they’ve been together for months and each day felt like a dream, like he’d been living on a cloud. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t mean to overhear Jim’s conversation, but he always liked listening to Jim talking, he likes the way he forms his words, the thick accent that transforms everything he says. He didn’t hear much, he didn’t want to hear anything other than what he heard. When he heard Jim’s words, he wished he hadn’t listened, because now he has to live knowing Jim doesn't want to be with him, he has to live knowing that and not saying anything, hoping Jim will change his mind, hoping that if he’s nice enough Jim won’t leave him like everybody else did. He can only hope. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s never sure how to act around Jim, if he should be sweet, do his best to hide all the things that could possibly repulse Jim; </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything</span>
  </em>
  <span>, which makes it hard to live. He doesn’t know if he should ignore him, hoping if he doesn’t stick around too close to Jim that he’ll realise life isn’t that bad with Freddie, or at least with Freddie from a distance. He doesn’t know if he should give him the cold shoulder, just to make Jim crack, getting it over with. He’s good at that, at driving people mad. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t really make a choice, he just doesn’t have enough courage to look at Jim, to talk to him. During the day, he tries to keep himself busy when he isn’t in the studio, he stays on the piano, or bores himself to death watching the flowers grow. It’s better than Jim leaving, anything is better than Jim leaving. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>During the night, he either goes to bed early, waiting for Jim with his heart beating fast, afraid he won’t come to join him, scared that he’ll never get to feel Jim’s breath against his neck ever again. Sometimes he doesn’t go to bed, he pretexts being busy with lyrics, lyrics that don’t come, he lets Jim kiss him before going to bed, hoping each time it isn’t the last time. He sometimes goes to the bedroom, but doesn’t sleep, just stares at Jim’s figure, trying to remember every curve of his body, every beauty mark, every hair on his body, just before it’s too late.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He let Jim go out one night, not that he would have ever kept him away from going out. He doesn’t know where Jim’s been, he hasn’t said, hasn’t explained; it’s probably to see someone else, someone who isn’t Freddie, who isn’t a rockstar that seems so much better when from far away than from closer. A rockstar that’s been a mess all his life, that only ever succeeded at ruining people’s life with his jealousy and his insecurities. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He asked Phoebe to join for the night, just as a presence near him, but it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t the same as Jim being there. Nobody can make him feel better than Jim does. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sometimes, when he doesn’t feel like he’s going to cry looking at Jim, he lets him make love to him. He’s not sure he has the right to call it that, when it’s clear Jim doesn’t love him. It isn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> clear, Jim’s still sweet, he still looks at him like he did before, he still holds him like he did before. Maybe it’s always been a lie, because Freddie’s certain of what he heard, he wouldn’t be so devastated otherwise. Jim said he doesn’t want him to be his boyfriend anymore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sometimes Freddie wishes that Jim would just tell him already, that he wouldn’t torture Freddie with the smallest amount of hope, pretending like everything’s fine between them. Freddie hurts deeply each time Jim tells him he loves him. He hurts like he’s never hurt before. So far, he’s been good at holding in all the tears that wanted to get out, that wanted to force their way out. He didn’t let his emotions take over, because that’s always been his mistake. He had to wipe away a stray tear a time or two, watching Jim in the garden, doing what he does best, making it pretty. The garden will look horrible when Jim will be gone, he won’t have the strength to hire a new gardener. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Flowers isn’t what Freddie expected. Maybe a stern glare, heartbreaking words, but not flowers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wanted to give you these, baby, to cheer you up,” Jim explains, looking at Freddie loves him, like he cares for him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They’re yellow freesias, probably from the garden, Freddie’s looked at them enough to know them by heart, they’ve always been his favourites. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He isn’t sure how to react, so he smiles up at Jim and whispers a small thank you. They’re flowers to cheer him up, to cheer him up for what? Jim’s probably noticed that he’s been distant, he probably feels bad, he’s probably just doing this to feel better about breaking up with him, to let him down slowly instead of harshly and suddenly. He probably feels bad, because he knows nobody loves Freddie, that nobody ever could. Freddie hates pity, he hates it even more coming from Jim. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Head hanging low, a tear trails all the way to the point of Freddie’s nose, only to fall amongst the flowers, the lovely honey scented flowers he usually loves so much, but now hates. He’ll never like them again, he’ll never want to see any flowers again. It’ll remind him, of everything he’s lost, of everything he’ll lose so soon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t want to let it go, he wants to hold onto it, even if it makes Jim hate him, he just wants him to stay, to not leave him on his own, like he’s always been, even when he was in a relationship. He won’t be able to bear the heartbreak, he can’t bear it now, and Jim’s still here. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He feels other tears falling, and he tells himself to move, to walk away, do something, not just uselessly stand there, with Jim close, that will definitely notice at one point. But he stays frozen in place, he doesn’t want it to end, he doesn’t the only thing left of this to be a remaining taste in his mouth, the taste of what he thought was real love feels like. He wishes he could just stop time, to not have to deal with all those things he’s dealt with enough before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t realise that he’s starting sobbing, covering his mouth with the palm of his hand while his other hand holds the flowers tightly, like they’re gonna vanish into thin air. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim brings him in his arms, and it’s hard, it’s hard to try and control his feelings while his whole body screams, wanting all the contact possible. He wraps his arms around Jim, doing his best to not crush the flowers, the last thing he’ll have of Jim. Even that won’t last long, they’ll leave too eventually. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, what’s wrong?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He says this like he doesn’t know, like he has no idea of what he’s going to do, like there’s no reason for Freddie to cry, to mourn something he hasn’t even lost yet. Freddie knew it would be dangerous, that he should have never let Jim in so easily. He always falls too fast, too hard, and it never turns out to be an advantage. It only makes it more hurtful when it ends, when all that remains of what he’s held onto for so long slip through his fingers like fine sand, it’s all gone before he has time to figure out how to keep it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim eventually leads him to the couch, sits him on his lap, like he would at any other time, the difference is that now it’s horribly painful. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie has to force himself to breathe deeply, slowly, because otherwise he’ll never stop crying, he won’t be able to. “I don’t want you to leave me,” he chokes out, his throat still filled with tears. He’s got nothing to lose anymore, he might as well make the most of it, he doesn’t care about his dignity as much as he cares for Jim so maybe he’ll end up begging on his knees; he’ll do it if that’s what can keep Jim from leaving, even if it won’t make him love Freddie any more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you talking about?” Jim asks, incredulous, and Freddie’s impressed with how sincere he sounds. He never realised how good Jim is at lying. It makes sense, considering he lied for months about loving him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t want me,” Freddie croaks, holding onto Jim’s shirt. Freddie’s moustache is damp with his tears, Jim’s clothes are probably even worse. This isn’t what will make Jim want to stay, that’s only gonna make him want to leave even more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie, that’s not true, baby,” Jim answers softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It is!” Freddie knows what Jim is trying to do. He’s trying to convince Freddie he never said it, just so he thinks he’s crazy, he knows how that works, he’s been through enough to know that. “I-I heard you. You were on the phone with- with- I don’t know who you were talking with. But you said y-you didn’t want me anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At the words, Freddie almost cracks again, but he clenches his teeth shut tight enough to stop anything from coming out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Love, I’ve never said that, I promise.” He sounds so convincing, but Freddie’s heard what he said, he knows he heard the words correctly. He isn’t crazy, Jim said it. He said he didn't want him to be his boyfriend anymore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You did,” Freddie says, more quietly than before, with less energy, less determination. “You said you didn’t want me to be y-your boyfriend anymore. I didn’t mean to overhear, but I just— I didn’t do it on purpose. But I-I know what I heard, Jim.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim lets out a sigh, slowly pulling away from the embrace; Freddie’s whole being tenses and he holds onto him, he can’t, he can’t handle this, not now, not already, not </span>
  <em>
    <span>so soon</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m just gonna go get something, Fred, just let me go for a few minutes okay? I’ll be back, I promise.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s enough for Freddie to let go, but his whole body still feels freezing when Jim removes him from his lap. He kisses him on the forehead before walking away and Freddie doesn’t know what to do with himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He still feels nervous, hoping for Jim to come back. He passes a hand through his short hair, he must look a mess after how much he’s cried. He feels slightly better now that he let it all out, but he’s still hurting and he doesn’t know what to do to make it better. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It feels like eternity, but after two minutes, Jim sits back on the couch. He pulls Freddie back on his lap, smiling from the corner of his mouth. He takes Freddie’s hand in his and it makes Freddie relax a bit, even though his heart beats so loudly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s true, I don’t want you to be my boyfriend.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s horrible, it’s cruel, it’s all because of the hope, it’s just because of all the hope Jim’s given him, also because Freddie’s crazy in love but—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He closes his eyes, because he can’t bear to look at Jim. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie, look at me,” Jim tells him, letting go of one of his hands to put his on Freddie’s cheek. He caresses it for a few seconds with his thumb before Freddie finally opens his eyes again, no matter how much pain he is in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want you to be more than my boyfriend,” Jim says, and instead of a frantic beat, it seems like his heart doesn’t beat anymore. He looks at Jim’s face, searching for an answer of </span>
  <em>
    <span>what he means</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but then he notices Jim has removed both of his hands from him, instead fiddling with the pocket of his pants. A small box comes out of it and Freddie thinks he’s gonna wake up, wake up from this dream that he’s sure can simply not truly happen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim opens the satin covered box, and it reveals a ring, gold, with only a small rectangular diamond, with inscriptions on it that Freddie takes a while to read correctly. He starts to cry when he notices what’s written, the names of the cats, of all their babies. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jim-,” he manages to choke out between the fingers of his hand. His other hand shakes when Jim slides the ring on his ring finger, then envelops it with both of his own warm hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They kiss each other when Freddie gets over the initial shock. He still can’t believe it, especially since it’s only been an hour before he thought Jim didn’t want him anymore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He can finally breathe. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you liked this story! Leave me a kudo or a comment if you liked it? Please🥺? If you are bored and wanna have a talk about Queen or whatever else, my Tumblr is @living-on-my-own-fm and my Instagram is @delphine_fm_<br/>Have a good day and and thank you for reading 🥰</p></blockquote></div></div>
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